Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Weekday single parent

I am married.  I have a husband.  But I feel like a single parent, that is from Monday to Friday when the husband is at work.  If anyone says SAHM don't suffer from Monday blues,  let me assure you, they do too.. the feeling of having to deal with the kids alone again after a weekend is enough to make me feel blue.
 
Being a SAHM now means I stay at home all day with bb JX as the husband goes out to work whole day long.  By the time the husband comes back, day already gave way to night and he has to rush through his dinner and try to help me settle JH or JX for their bedtime routine.  When one of them, usually JH is asleep then he will start doing the household chores like washing the dishes or putting the toys back in place so there's still space to walk in the living room without someone tripping over on a toy with every two steps they take.  This is just a on good day.

On really really lousy bad days like nowadays.. He has to work OT till about 9+.  It always leave me feeling frustrated having to deal with JH and JX alone.  External help is limited but at least mum travels from her house from far far away to help me fetch JH from childcare in the evening and stay at my home till 8pm.  These precious 3 hours is for me to bathe for JH and settle his dinner and my own while mum helps to handle JX if he's not sleeping.  

Nowadays 8o'clock at night is when my nightmare starts if the husband is not at home by then.  I will ask mum to go back even I know I will have difficulty handling the kids.  She did offer to stay longer but I declined... that is another story for another time..

Alone, I have to carry JX and JH follows me into the room to get ready for his bedtime routine.  If I'm lucky, I can shut JX up with his cries by latching him on be it for hunger or for comfort doesn't matter.  Anything to keep JX quiet so I can continue singing the usual lullaby to JH for him to fall asleep.  Since yesterday, suddenly my bb JX has decided that he's independent enough to fall asleep without comfort nursing (something he does during the 1st month!!) refuse to latch on and just kept crying!  I struggled to swing and pat him as I continue to sing lullaby for JH (actually lullaby also for JX too lah). 

I felt bad I have to bring JX in to coax JH to sleep.  I always enjoy bedtime with JH.  I was the one who painfully weaned him off the sarong.  I was the one who painfully coax him to learn to sleep in his cot at night.  I was also the one who painfully coax him into this bedtime routine.  JH enjoyed his bedtime routine with me as much as I do.  I see it as a special time to bond with him before he fells asleep.  I hope he doesn't feel robbed away of that privilege.  He stares at me solemnly now as if wondering why am I not patting him on his thigh but on "di di"?  Why is "di di" with us during my bedtime?  I hope he understands when I tell him I still love him as much as before and I love him like I love "di di". 

I do feel extremely helpless at moments like this.  But when the odds are against you, you suddenly become strong and brave and learn to cope with whatever shit that comes your way.  I do feel angry with the husband's job.  I do feel angry with the limited support I can get from my mum.  Most importantly,  a lot of frustration went to the husband.  I struggled to understand the commitment from his work and the deadline.  But it is not something I can accept in the long run.  Just this once I will try to be understanding.  I know you are trying your best to be there for me.  We are both trying our best.

By the time the husband is back, the storm is over.  A toddler and an infant nicely tucked in bed asleep.  So please do not ever take for granted or assume that its an easy task of coaxing both to sleep alone.  But I have no choice for I am a single parent when you are not around.

Today the husband not only have to work OT but also have to spent the night in his office.  

God help me through tonight.  May JH sleep peacefully throughout the night and only awake to ask for his milk at 6am (later timing is the best!) and not waking JX up.  May JX sleep soundly too and not make too much noise when he wants to driink his milk.

For tonight, I am again a single parent.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Confession of a bad mummy

It is JX's usual fussy timing around 9 and I am trying my best to coax him to sleep alone as usual. With my arms aching from holding him and swaying him for hours.. It is extremely difficult to keep my frustration down each time JX howl a new cycle of wailing. What feels like an eternity of listening to his continuous intense crying in fact is only a mere 5 mins. I felt so frustrated that I couldn't even hum a lullaby or say soothing words to comfort him.. I just kept quiet bite my lips to keep myself from screaming at him.

I still didn't manage to control myself and shouted at JX again and that was two nights ago. I always felt lousy and guilty after that. Especially when I see his face screw up in sadness and continue crying even louder. JX must be feeling confuse. Why would someone who is suppose to be giving him the comfort he needs is shouting so loudly at him.

Forgive mummy JX. It's very tiring for mummy to take care of you from morning till night, 24/7. Mummy's patience tend to wear thin as the day goes by. Mummy loves you alot but doesn't know how to express to you just like you are unable to tell mummy what you want or how are you feeling.

I always applause myself whenever I survive through a day without screaming at him. I can only be thankful that his brain cells are not fully developed to retain those awful moments of me yelling at him. Of course I am not excusing myself for shouting at him. I know it's wrong just like its a big no no to harm your own child. Thank God the latter has never come across my mind. Perhaps I sound like a mother on the verge of breakdown. But I am trying my best. Everyday. To take care of JH and JX. I have to handle JX all the time and the only free time not to handle him are when I need to go toilet/bath/handle JH/eat.

The typical job allows you to knock off to go back to your personal life. Being a mummy doesn't gives you that privilege. So no matter how many hours you manage to nap during the daytime doesn't mean you will feel all fresh and energetic at night to handle his fussiness alone. Being alone to handle a fussy baby is most dreadful moment for me. With no one there with you, it feels like fighting a battle alone.

If you are reading this, then I am glad you remember I told you I started my blog.

老公 I am not perfect wander women. Please try to understand the mental exhaustion of having to look after a baby all day long. Please do not forget I am also your wife, a little women in need of your love and embrace. I think you have forgotten all that and only see me as a mother to the kids nowadays.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, July 15, 2012

How to keep a toddler entertain

This is what happens when you give a sheet full of stickers to a toddler and left him unattended...


He starts to paste some on his leg


And to my horror and amusement..


On the front gate..


On the glass cabinet..


And also on his neck..


And this was what's left of the stickers.. But at least u have a happy toddler!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, July 2, 2012

Learing to be mum all over again

Its been 6 weeks since I delivered my second child - JX.  I feel a strong gush of love spreading through my body as I glazed into my newborn bb JX asleep in my arms.  I cuddle and hold him close as I tell him gently I will love him forever and give him the best I can.  I breastfeed him day and night which brings me endless joy as I watch him suckle on my breast to sleep... humming along a lullaby..

Envious of me right now?  Too bad all those are just sentences that I dream and wish I feel this way right now.. In Reality...

I am struggling like an octopus as I have to handle boy boy JH and JX.  I am breastfeeding JX round the clock like a cow and its driving me crazy..  I can't wait to put baby on the bed the moment he falls asleep on my arm so I can catch some sleep myself or do other stuffs.. I struggle to control my frustration of being alone at home when I have to deal with JX's crying..  Lucky thing JH is in childcare during the day or I will definitely go mad and start pulling my hair.

Learning to be mum again to a newborn is no easy task.  YES its very true different baby has different personality and it doesn't mean you will know what to do when its your second child.  Maybe I sound like I don't love my baby..  But I guess Im still struggling with alot of other things and bb JX and I are still at the getting to know one another stage so its kinda hard for me to enjoy him as much as I wish..

Im learning to breastfeeding again and trying to know his feeding pattern and preference.  JX's hobby is on and off snacking of my breast and sucking for comfort.. and sometimes its driving me crazy!  Had nightmare of having both sore and bleeding nipples within a week and having mastitis (Im sure its a nightmare of every breastfeeding mothers out there!) within a month!  Thoughts of giving up breastfeeding is on my mind whenever Im clueless about his feeding pattern and having those pain.  Its a miracle Im still persevering to breastfeed JX!!  

One school of thought mentioned that you shouldn't let baby suckle on your breast for comfort.  Must train baby to take one full feed.  Be firm and tell baby not to fall asleep when nursing him and must tell him to finish a full feed then go sleep.

Another school of thought claim that it is alright for baby to comfort suck as it will help calm them down and establish a bond between mother and child which is crucial during the early stage of their life.  Snacking habit can also help to establish milk supply of mummy.  You can go this website kellymom.com if you are interested to read more...

So who should I follow?  Perhaps I should just go with my instinct and play by ear afterall I am the mother of my baby and I know him best with him sticking to my breast day and night.

Would like to hear from other breastfeeding mothers out there on how they cope and share your stories with me so I know Im not alone...

Hopefully I can have time like now every once in a while to update this blog..