Friday, May 31, 2013

My dear JH

My dear boy,


You have grown so fast suddenly I realise you are no longer my little boy anymore. Suddenly you no longer have to tiptoe to reach for things on the table and suddenly your clothes and shoes doesn't fit anymore.

You are molding your personality and I can see you inherit the positive outgoing friendly trait from your father and the stubborn -ness from me.

I was fetching you from home few days ago and you saw one of your classmate ahead of you. You rushed up to him happily and wanted to play with him. Alas the little boy didn't wanna play with you and push u away a few times. He ran off leaving you behind as you look at me and pointed at him, crying away. He ran off without turning back.

At that moment, I looked at you and I realize this is one of life's experience that mummy has no control over. Rejection.

My heart ached as I watched you sobbed away unable to understand why he doesn't wanna play with you. You may be too young to understand the meaning of rejection yet you already experience what rejection does to you. Life will never be what you want. Just as your father once said: if everyone treat each another equally, then there won't be any war.

Of course that doesn't mean you have to take on a negative perspective of it. Your life will be what you make out of it. You have your father's positivity and natural easy-going style. So make the best out of it and let it bring joy and hope to your life. I hope you will hang on to that trait for the whole of your lifetime and never let it slip by you no matter how hard life gets you down.

Rejection is a fear that follows mummy like a shadow. It let mummy lose opportunity to make new friends and even maintain lasting friendship. So I hope u wont be like me. It's okie to get upset and cry when you suffer a rejection. But you must learn to get over it and not be afraid to try again. Mummy is still trying to learn this. Hope this will be an inspiration to you if life ever gets you down and you need a pep talk.

Mummy will always be with you even if the world turns against you. Don't ever forget that.

Signing off..
Mummy

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Mummy's Milstone

I am proud to say I have survive through being a SAHM to my two boys for a year. JH is now three and JX has finally bid farewell to his infant hood and catching up with his Gor Gor into toddlerhood.
Of course there are still moments of me turning into a green angry monster to the kids and husband but I know the frequency are alot lesser as compared to a year ago.
A year ago was the most difficult and challenging moment of my life. It was a moment when I felt the world has collapsed on me and things that used to rely on are gone. It was an extremely emotional and depressing period but I'm glad I came out of it for the sake of my kids and became stronger. Couldn't have made it without the support and patient husband who has been there to endure my endless outburst.




To RW: thanks for struggling with me throughout these one year. We finally made it on our own. This is truly the beginning of us learning to manage a marriage life now. Love you lots and don't ever forget the 5 language of Love.
Today is the last weekday that I get to spend with JX alone. I have been the closest person has since his birth and soon he's gonna learn to trust another stranger. A skill he has to acquire at a much younger age than his Gor Gor.
They say "The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire". Now I finally had a taste of what that means. Learning to cope with the two boys on my own has really push myself beyond a limit that I never know I can.
Screw those who dare to tell me what I'm doing is nothing since JH is in childcare the whole day and I only have to manage both of them in the evening time.
Screw those who tells me they don't understand why I don't have time to rest just because I have a part time cleaner.
Part of me feels at a lost knowing JX is going infant care soon. Yet Some parts of me are screaming for attention for my other self which left hidden was long forgotten. There were days of frustration as i tell myself i cant wait for him to go infant care. I have delayed his infant care for half a year as I couldn't bear to enroll him when he was still so young. Now the time has come and I know I have to do it. Come Monday, JX and I would have to learn to create another bond and let go of this special relationship that we shared for this one year. I know I will definitely shed a tear or two when I finally have to leave him alone there. JX will properly be crying loudly for me too as he watched me leave. But it will get better as days and weeks goes by.
Not looking forward to them getting sick more often but can't be help. It's one of the price to pay for when they are in childcare.




For now. I shall try to enjoy this last weekday I have with my baby before it will be shared with others.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Mummy's milestone

Monday, April 1, 2013

Oops I had it again.. But this time with a dose of sunshine

I have been breastfeeding JX for 10 months.. and I would never thought the nightmare that every breastfeeding mothers out where are most afraid of would sneakily come back to me again..

It came back just when I was at my worst.. JH and JX sick.. me not having enough rest day and night.. daytime busy taking care of cranky JH who is not feeding nor latching well and night time again JX cranky.. Me trying to stay upbeat for JH to cheer him up despite him feeling lethergy and giving me as much hugs as I can with JX clinging onto my pants as I do that..

The past weeks left me utterly drained and the last thing I thought was myself.  And the nightmare saw that as the perfect opportuntiy to come looking for me.  I felt the painful lump yesterday when I woke up.  The familiar pain that had struck me 9 months ago in June 2012 left me in tears and slight depression.  I can't believe I let the monster creep back into my life again!  Oh shit.. I should have known... all the time when my breast still feels heavy after JX latch on were signs telling me he didn't empty my breast completely and I should have express out the milk.. Sigh.. no point crying over spilled milk.

I started feeling feverish and chills and I knew its gonna get worse.  I quickly did what I had to do and only pray to God its not too late.  By yesterday evening,  I wasn't getting better and feared its gonna be like the previous time.  I quickly make my way to the 24hrs clinic at night leaving Mr Lim alone with the kids only to find the bloody clinic CLOSED!!  It was too late to go to another clinic as its near the kid's sleeping time.  I just have to wait till tomorrow and drag myself out with JX to see dr and get myself covered with antibiotics asap..

When I came back home.  It was all quiet and I knew Mr Lim must be coaxing JX to sleep.  I was surprise to see JH sitting alone in the living room quietly and when he saw me.. he said:

JH:  mama.. see dr already?
I was very surprise to hear him saying that as I only briefly told him I wasn't feeling well and is going to see dr.

Me: mama didn't see dr because the dr go home already.. where is papa?

JH: papa..Di Di sleep..

I was very touched when I heard that.  It suddenly dawned onto me that my little boy has grown up.. to be a sensible and caring boy.  He is aware that his di di needs to sleep hence the need to stay quiet in the living room while Mr Lim coaxed baby JX to sleep.  He is aware and remembers that I was not feeling well and even asked me if I have seen the doctor the first thing he saw me.  Its such a short yet powerful and enriching conversation that makes a lasting impact on me even till now as I typed this out on this blog.  I felt that this is definitely one of the few conversation and moment I would like to remeber.

Even as now.. the painful lump on my breast is not resolved yet.  I managed to see the same dr who saw me few weeks ago for antibiotics because I sustained a nasty infected nipple wound after JX accidentially bite on me so she was surprise to see me again today for breast problem requiring antibiotics again.  I also get a last min appointment to see the lactation nurse to help me massage and unclog some of the lumps.  It was another painful yet fruitful session.  But hey.. I just keep telling myself it has to be done or else its gonna get worse like the previous time.

The difference is this time round I think I manage it catch the monster in the bud before it create more destructible nightmare for me.  This time round I didn't cry like I did during the visit with the lactation nurse.  This time round, I think Im feeling more optimistic about this painful lump unlike the previous time all tears and blues.  This time round I think I am stronger because I know I can and will overcome this painful lump.
I also know this time round, I got three people with me telling me they love me should I need to shed a tear.