Oops I had it again.. But this time with a dose of sunshine

I have been breastfeeding JX for 10 months.. and I would never thought the nightmare that every breastfeeding mothers out where are most afraid of would sneakily come back to me again..

It came back just when I was at my worst.. JH and JX sick.. me not having enough rest day and night.. daytime busy taking care of cranky JH who is not feeding nor latching well and night time again JX cranky.. Me trying to stay upbeat for JH to cheer him up despite him feeling lethergy and giving me as much hugs as I can with JX clinging onto my pants as I do that..

The past weeks left me utterly drained and the last thing I thought was myself.  And the nightmare saw that as the perfect opportuntiy to come looking for me.  I felt the painful lump yesterday when I woke up.  The familiar pain that had struck me 9 months ago in June 2012 left me in tears and slight depression.  I can't believe I let the monster creep back into my life again!  Oh shit.. I should have known... all the time when my breast still feels heavy after JX latch on were signs telling me he didn't empty my breast completely and I should have express out the milk.. Sigh.. no point crying over spilled milk.

I started feeling feverish and chills and I knew its gonna get worse.  I quickly did what I had to do and only pray to God its not too late.  By yesterday evening,  I wasn't getting better and feared its gonna be like the previous time.  I quickly make my way to the 24hrs clinic at night leaving Mr Lim alone with the kids only to find the bloody clinic CLOSED!!  It was too late to go to another clinic as its near the kid's sleeping time.  I just have to wait till tomorrow and drag myself out with JX to see dr and get myself covered with antibiotics asap..

When I came back home.  It was all quiet and I knew Mr Lim must be coaxing JX to sleep.  I was surprise to see JH sitting alone in the living room quietly and when he saw me.. he said:

JH:  mama.. see dr already?
I was very surprise to hear him saying that as I only briefly told him I wasn't feeling well and is going to see dr.

Me: mama didn't see dr because the dr go home already.. where is papa?

JH: papa..Di Di sleep..

I was very touched when I heard that.  It suddenly dawned onto me that my little boy has grown up.. to be a sensible and caring boy.  He is aware that his di di needs to sleep hence the need to stay quiet in the living room while Mr Lim coaxed baby JX to sleep.  He is aware and remembers that I was not feeling well and even asked me if I have seen the doctor the first thing he saw me.  Its such a short yet powerful and enriching conversation that makes a lasting impact on me even till now as I typed this out on this blog.  I felt that this is definitely one of the few conversation and moment I would like to remeber.

Even as now.. the painful lump on my breast is not resolved yet.  I managed to see the same dr who saw me few weeks ago for antibiotics because I sustained a nasty infected nipple wound after JX accidentially bite on me so she was surprise to see me again today for breast problem requiring antibiotics again.  I also get a last min appointment to see the lactation nurse to help me massage and unclog some of the lumps.  It was another painful yet fruitful session.  But hey.. I just keep telling myself it has to be done or else its gonna get worse like the previous time.

The difference is this time round I think I manage it catch the monster in the bud before it create more destructible nightmare for me.  This time round I didn't cry like I did during the visit with the lactation nurse.  This time round, I think Im feeling more optimistic about this painful lump unlike the previous time all tears and blues.  This time round I think I am stronger because I know I can and will overcome this painful lump.
I also know this time round, I got three people with me telling me they love me should I need to shed a tear.

Free pruning Xmas Tree!!

JH is offering free pruning of Xmas tree!!


Armed with his trusty all purpose scissors and a stool, he's all ready to help you prune even the tallest Xmas tree!



The boy is sure taking his job seriously.. Meticulously trimming off excess leave haha..



"Up there too.. Mama u see.. Cut cut cut..."



"Mama see.. JH do.."

So does anyone need to prune their Xmas tree?

My baby's Smell

Having a second child has given me a chance to relearn and somehow enjoy some moments that I have forgotten as JH grows older.

I have lost and found my baby smell. It was lost when JH turns two.. Somehow it was replace with the smell of perspiration mixed with powder with hint of any remaining shampoo or shower soap smell.

I remember fondly I used to love placing my nose to smell the temporal part of his hair that is the hair above the ear when I carry him.. I would inhale deeply and silently with all my might like an opium addict.. Then I will close my eyes as my mind process the smell to recharge my soul..

Then when I got pregnant with JX. I was surprised that I became repelled by his smell. I would gag when I do my secret routine on him.. It's really funny how hormonal changes can change someone's perceptions of things..
Then slowly I forgot all about baby smell even when JX was born.

It was such a stressful period that I forgot to find back my baby smell. It was sad that I also forgot to smell my baby. But as luck would have it.. Somehow it comes looking back for me..

It was one of JX's pyjamas that he had worn the previous night and I had forgotten to put it in the laundry bucket and left it on the bed.

When I saw the pyjamas on the bed, my first instinct was "dirty anot?" and immediately used my nose to find out.



The scent of JX's pyjamas left me standing there for few seconds. Me holding on to his pyjamas with both hands and staring in blank space. The scent had jotted my brain to recall a smell I enjoyed so much and long forgotten.. A smell that is so special that only a sweet baby possess. Yes.. It's my baby's smell..

I couldn't bear to throw his pyjamas to wash.. I just keep smelling it and trying to memorize the smell in case it ever goes away again... I wish someone can invent a device or something that can preserve scent. I would love to preserve my baby's scent so I can sniff it for years to come.

Baby's smell leaves me feeling secure and gives me a instant euphoria effect. But I'm sure to others it's just powder and smell of perspiration. I guess when you are a Mummy, everything about your baby is sweet and nice..

Now I smell my JX every waking moment. I also smell JH every now and then as my motherly gesture.. Inhaling his 汗臭味 haha.. Reminding myself that he's no longer a baby but growing up to a boy with a mind of his own..

Meanwhile I still have one and half years more left to enjoy my baby smell before its gone too..

My last night

Tonight shall be the very last time I'm spending my night in the house which has become my home for the past 6 years. I have been so busy packing the house I hardly have the time to focus on my thoughts and feelings of leaving this house.. For good..

Coming back from the short trip to USS seems like a hit in face as days just flew by so fast. By the time we came back yesterday, I'm only left with 2 more days in the house.

Today the feeling of sadness and emptiness slowly crept up behind me as I start seeing the house getting emptier. Still have not finish packing all the stuff.. But it's time to rest or else I won't have the energy tomorrow to handle the kids and moving house.

I'm feeling quite hollow and void.. Hmm not sure if that's a proper way of describing my feelings now.. I guess there's just too much things to do I forgot to focus on my emotions. I guess it's gonna hit me hard when the fact finally sink in that I'm really leaving this house for good. That for once.. The keys that I always use to open the door does not belong to me anymore. That the new owner are sure to tear down every customize features in the house that I treasure so much... That if I ever drive past this blk, will I still remember how the original state of this place looks like? Will JH remember how he loves to gaze at the stars through the full length window? Will he miss using the platform as his stage to sing and dance? Will JX get a chance to do what his gor gor did?

I guess I won't have the time to think of all these tomorrow.. Maybe i will on Tuesday after we officially hand over the keys. Maybe I will start to think of this place by this time tomorrow..

I just hope I won't be a cry baby and start crying...

USS.. Sesame Street!!

I'm enjoying myself the kids at universal studio! Finally had a chance to watch the Sesame Street performing at New York Library up close and personal!! Best thing was to take photos with the mascots!!

Erm I think I enjoyed more than JH though.. He seems dazzled by the the buzz and excitement.. Bb JX is cool as a cucumber since he's still too young to enjoy all the stuffs..

Well I definitely be bringing the kids here again when they are older to enjoy the rides!

Letting go and moving off.

It's been a while since I write in this blog.  House is gonna be gone in another two weeks time and I'm up to my neck trying to pack everything in boxes driving crazy the husband crazy with my standards and organisation skills.  

Lots have been happening during these 2 months since I last post my super blue and pathetic post.  Not trying to say things are looking up but I guess I slowly picking up the broken pieces and moving on.  This blog is a portal for me to write down my feelings and events that is happening in my life.  Of course I wish I can be all cheerful and sunshine about it and blog only on happy stuff like JX first flip-over stunt or JH Capella version of Happy Birthday song.. But everyone has their own preference to blog. I hope if I ever grow old and become senile I can look back on this blog and read through my life again like a storybook provided I'm still able to read and see or perhaps share with the boys to let them have a glimpse of my younger days.

I never see this blog as a way to write about my unhappiness just to get attention from people for sympathy votes.  If you see it this way, then you must be a stranger or just a fair weather friend.

Recently got a few words from someone old and faraway..  saying there's no point looking back and feeling pathetic about myself all the time.. Yes there was a period where I was feeling sorry for myself and blue all the time.  I believe everyone goes through that stage but will eventually comes out of it and start to pick up the pieces and survive through.  Its like the stages of a grieving process.  You go through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  You can't be telling someone who is still grieving in the initial phase to get a life and stop feeling pathetic for yourself!

Of course I agree how I manage my emotions will be reflected on my kids.  If I can choose,  I will want to be the sunshine for my kids all the time.  But life is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  I may be a mother who constantly want the best for my kids but I am also a human being learning all time to be better.  I cannot guarantee I can be sunshine all the time.  Kids will eventually tell apart the sunshine and stormy season.  We also learn to appreciate the good times when you being through the bad times.  Of course Im not saying I must throw temper in front of my kids just to let them learn how to appreciate the good times.  What I am trying to say is I have to be realistic.  It is not ideal for me to pretend to be sunshine all the time in front of my kids just so I do not want them to have a negative impact on their childhood.  Of course I try my best to hide my emotions from my kids by not venting my frustrations on them.  But at the end of the day I still need a ventilation portal.  If I can't rely on friends then this blog is the only mode for me.

I did not dwell on my unhappy childhood all the time.  In fact it was almost forgotten buried somewhere deep inside me as I grew up.  Like I told that someone old and faraway, I only remembered all those unhappy childhood because of recent events.  if I had dwell on those unhappiness all the time, I would be ranting it to everyone I know.  I can only say the incident had hurt so much that all the past memories just came back to me.  So I guess its kinda unfair to be tell off that way.

I am not writing this post to tell anyone off.  What you read on this blog is just a slice from the big pie of my life.  So, do not be so quick to judge me and start offering advices in your kindest intention.  I understand I risk damaging certain friendship if I publish this online.  Just like recent case of someone making some sensitive comments on their FB and got fired from their job.  I wished I were given a chance to tell her what had happened to me but I guess its not gonna happen anymore seeing we are moving off in different direction.

Moving on

I am only a simple women. Or to put it curtly I'm naive. I do not crave for riches or a luxury life. Stability and Security: that's all I ask for.

My house, place where it has become a home for the past 5 years is no longer mine. My house is being sold as an agreement on my part out of respect for your decision. Respect because I love you and I try to support your decision even though I do not agree with it.

Moving on in the beginning was brought on for the sake of my parents. Subsequently it became a need for better amenities and nearer distance traveling to JH's childcare. When everyone kept telling us not to confide ourselves to a limited area just because of JH's childcare, you were the one who reassure me of our decision for doing so. That our priority is to minimize as much stressors as possible when moving to a new house. And of course most important is the welfare of JH who has already settle happily and starting to forge his first friendship in the childcare centre.

Now it became a dream and investment for you in future should we need cash after been brain-washed by people around you telling you throw in your profit to go for an EC. Sure you make it sound very attractive and kept telling me the choice is mine. Yet you kept pushing me the idea of an EC. Now you even said to look for an EC in other areas with good amenities and childcare centre. Just transfer JH.

So what happened to the reassurance you gave me?

Where are the priorities you promise me when we are in the midst of searching for new unit?

Where is the importance of the welfare of your child you can so easily chuck aside and say just transfer for the sake of your EC?
When did you place me as an priority making sure I'm comfortable knowing I'm only a simple-minded person and yet kept pushing the idea of an EC to me again and again?

This is your dream. Not mine. Not the kids. You kept saying what you are doing is for our benefit. But have you ever accept what I want?

Suddenly you have become a stranger. I can't catch up with you. Are you moving too fast or am I too slow? You seem to become a stranger who sees all these tangible asset as a measure of your success and happiness.

Where is the "old" you who used to make me feel safe in the heart? The one I can always turn to when the world seems too much to handle.

Can you see what you are doing to me? Can you feel my despair over the lost of my home and the stress and fear of where my home will be?

Can you see that you are scaring me with that "new" you?

You can't seem to understand why I am so unhappy. I don't understand why have you become so ambitious. We can't seem to connect to one another anymore. I can't feel the warm of your touch or the gentle caress anymore.

If I could turn back the time, I truly wish I didn't agree to sell this house.


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