I have been breastfeeding JX for 10 months.. and I would never thought the nightmare that every breastfeeding mothers out where are most afraid of would sneakily come back to me again..
It came back just when I was at my worst.. JH and JX sick.. me not having enough rest day and night.. daytime busy taking care of cranky JH who is not feeding nor latching well and night time again JX cranky.. Me trying to stay upbeat for JH to cheer him up despite him feeling lethergy and giving me as much hugs as I can with JX clinging onto my pants as I do that..
The past weeks left me utterly drained and the last thing I thought was myself. And the nightmare saw that as the perfect opportuntiy to come looking for me. I felt the painful lump yesterday when I woke up. The familiar pain that had struck me 9 months ago in June 2012 left me in tears and slight depression. I can't believe I let the monster creep back into my life again! Oh shit.. I should have known... all the time when my breast still feels heavy after JX latch on were signs telling me he didn't empty my breast completely and I should have express out the milk.. Sigh.. no point crying over spilled milk.
I started feeling feverish and chills and I knew its gonna get worse. I quickly did what I had to do and only pray to God its not too late. By yesterday evening, I wasn't getting better and feared its gonna be like the previous time. I quickly make my way to the 24hrs clinic at night leaving Mr Lim alone with the kids only to find the bloody clinic CLOSED!! It was too late to go to another clinic as its near the kid's sleeping time. I just have to wait till tomorrow and drag myself out with JX to see dr and get myself covered with antibiotics asap..
When I came back home. It was all quiet and I knew Mr Lim must be coaxing JX to sleep. I was surprise to see JH sitting alone in the living room quietly and when he saw me.. he said:
JH: mama.. see dr already?
I was very surprise to hear him saying that as I only briefly told him I wasn't feeling well and is going to see dr.
Me: mama didn't see dr because the dr go home already.. where is papa?
JH: papa..Di Di sleep..
I was very touched when I heard that. It suddenly dawned onto me that my little boy has grown up.. to be a sensible and caring boy. He is aware that his di di needs to sleep hence the need to stay quiet in the living room while Mr Lim coaxed baby JX to sleep. He is aware and remembers that I was not feeling well and even asked me if I have seen the doctor the first thing he saw me. Its such a short yet powerful and enriching conversation that makes a lasting impact on me even till now as I typed this out on this blog. I felt that this is definitely one of the few conversation and moment I would like to remeber.
Even as now.. the painful lump on my breast is not resolved yet. I managed to see the same dr who saw me few weeks ago for antibiotics because I sustained a nasty infected nipple wound after JX accidentially bite on me so she was surprise to see me again today for breast problem requiring antibiotics again. I also get a last min appointment to see the lactation nurse to help me massage and unclog some of the lumps. It was another painful yet fruitful session. But hey.. I just keep telling myself it has to be done or else its gonna get worse like the previous time.
The difference is this time round I think I manage it catch the monster in the bud before it create more destructible nightmare for me. This time round I didn't cry like I did during the visit with the lactation nurse. This time round, I think Im feeling more optimistic about this painful lump unlike the previous time all tears and blues. This time round I think I am stronger because I know I can and will overcome this painful lump.
I also know this time round, I got three people with me telling me they love me should I need to shed a tear.