It is JX's usual fussy timing around 9 and I am trying my best to coax him to sleep alone as usual. With my arms aching from holding him and swaying him for hours.. It is extremely difficult to keep my frustration down each time JX howl a new cycle of wailing. What feels like an eternity of listening to his continuous intense crying in fact is only a mere 5 mins. I felt so frustrated that I couldn't even hum a lullaby or say soothing words to comfort him.. I just kept quiet bite my lips to keep myself from screaming at him.
I still didn't manage to control myself and shouted at JX again and that was two nights ago. I always felt lousy and guilty after that. Especially when I see his face screw up in sadness and continue crying even louder. JX must be feeling confuse. Why would someone who is suppose to be giving him the comfort he needs is shouting so loudly at him.
Forgive mummy JX. It's very tiring for mummy to take care of you from morning till night, 24/7. Mummy's patience tend to wear thin as the day goes by. Mummy loves you alot but doesn't know how to express to you just like you are unable to tell mummy what you want or how are you feeling.
I always applause myself whenever I survive through a day without screaming at him. I can only be thankful that his brain cells are not fully developed to retain those awful moments of me yelling at him. Of course I am not excusing myself for shouting at him. I know it's wrong just like its a big no no to harm your own child. Thank God the latter has never come across my mind. Perhaps I sound like a mother on the verge of breakdown. But I am trying my best. Everyday. To take care of JH and JX. I have to handle JX all the time and the only free time not to handle him are when I need to go toilet/bath/handle JH/eat.
The typical job allows you to knock off to go back to your personal life. Being a mummy doesn't gives you that privilege. So no matter how many hours you manage to nap during the daytime doesn't mean you will feel all fresh and energetic at night to handle his fussiness alone. Being alone to handle a fussy baby is most dreadful moment for me. With no one there with you, it feels like fighting a battle alone.
If you are reading this, then I am glad you remember I told you I started my blog.
老公 I am not perfect wander women. Please try to understand the mental exhaustion of having to look after a baby all day long. Please do not forget I am also your wife, a little women in need of your love and embrace. I think you have forgotten all that and only see me as a mother to the kids nowadays.
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