Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Weekday single parent

I am married.  I have a husband.  But I feel like a single parent, that is from Monday to Friday when the husband is at work.  If anyone says SAHM don't suffer from Monday blues,  let me assure you, they do too.. the feeling of having to deal with the kids alone again after a weekend is enough to make me feel blue.
Being a SAHM now means I stay at home all day with bb JX as the husband goes out to work whole day long.  By the time the husband comes back, day already gave way to night and he has to rush through his dinner and try to help me settle JH or JX for their bedtime routine.  When one of them, usually JH is asleep then he will start doing the household chores like washing the dishes or putting the toys back in place so there's still space to walk in the living room without someone tripping over on a toy with every two steps they take.  This is just a on good day.

On really really lousy bad days like nowadays.. He has to work OT till about 9+.  It always leave me feeling frustrated having to deal with JH and JX alone.  External help is limited but at least mum travels from her house from far far away to help me fetch JH from childcare in the evening and stay at my home till 8pm.  These precious 3 hours is for me to bathe for JH and settle his dinner and my own while mum helps to handle JX if he's not sleeping.  

Nowadays 8o'clock at night is when my nightmare starts if the husband is not at home by then.  I will ask mum to go back even I know I will have difficulty handling the kids.  She did offer to stay longer but I declined... that is another story for another time..

Alone, I have to carry JX and JH follows me into the room to get ready for his bedtime routine.  If I'm lucky, I can shut JX up with his cries by latching him on be it for hunger or for comfort doesn't matter.  Anything to keep JX quiet so I can continue singing the usual lullaby to JH for him to fall asleep.  Since yesterday, suddenly my bb JX has decided that he's independent enough to fall asleep without comfort nursing (something he does during the 1st month!!) refuse to latch on and just kept crying!  I struggled to swing and pat him as I continue to sing lullaby for JH (actually lullaby also for JX too lah). 

I felt bad I have to bring JX in to coax JH to sleep.  I always enjoy bedtime with JH.  I was the one who painfully weaned him off the sarong.  I was the one who painfully coax him to learn to sleep in his cot at night.  I was also the one who painfully coax him into this bedtime routine.  JH enjoyed his bedtime routine with me as much as I do.  I see it as a special time to bond with him before he fells asleep.  I hope he doesn't feel robbed away of that privilege.  He stares at me solemnly now as if wondering why am I not patting him on his thigh but on "di di"?  Why is "di di" with us during my bedtime?  I hope he understands when I tell him I still love him as much as before and I love him like I love "di di". 

I do feel extremely helpless at moments like this.  But when the odds are against you, you suddenly become strong and brave and learn to cope with whatever shit that comes your way.  I do feel angry with the husband's job.  I do feel angry with the limited support I can get from my mum.  Most importantly,  a lot of frustration went to the husband.  I struggled to understand the commitment from his work and the deadline.  But it is not something I can accept in the long run.  Just this once I will try to be understanding.  I know you are trying your best to be there for me.  We are both trying our best.

By the time the husband is back, the storm is over.  A toddler and an infant nicely tucked in bed asleep.  So please do not ever take for granted or assume that its an easy task of coaxing both to sleep alone.  But I have no choice for I am a single parent when you are not around.

Today the husband not only have to work OT but also have to spent the night in his office.  

God help me through tonight.  May JH sleep peacefully throughout the night and only awake to ask for his milk at 6am (later timing is the best!) and not waking JX up.  May JX sleep soundly too and not make too much noise when he wants to driink his milk.

For tonight, I am again a single parent.

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