Thursday, October 11, 2012

Letting go and moving off.

It's been a while since I write in this blog.  House is gonna be gone in another two weeks time and I'm up to my neck trying to pack everything in boxes driving crazy the husband crazy with my standards and organisation skills.  

Lots have been happening during these 2 months since I last post my super blue and pathetic post.  Not trying to say things are looking up but I guess I slowly picking up the broken pieces and moving on.  This blog is a portal for me to write down my feelings and events that is happening in my life.  Of course I wish I can be all cheerful and sunshine about it and blog only on happy stuff like JX first flip-over stunt or JH Capella version of Happy Birthday song.. But everyone has their own preference to blog. I hope if I ever grow old and become senile I can look back on this blog and read through my life again like a storybook provided I'm still able to read and see or perhaps share with the boys to let them have a glimpse of my younger days.

I never see this blog as a way to write about my unhappiness just to get attention from people for sympathy votes.  If you see it this way, then you must be a stranger or just a fair weather friend.

Recently got a few words from someone old and faraway..  saying there's no point looking back and feeling pathetic about myself all the time.. Yes there was a period where I was feeling sorry for myself and blue all the time.  I believe everyone goes through that stage but will eventually comes out of it and start to pick up the pieces and survive through.  Its like the stages of a grieving process.  You go through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  You can't be telling someone who is still grieving in the initial phase to get a life and stop feeling pathetic for yourself!

Of course I agree how I manage my emotions will be reflected on my kids.  If I can choose,  I will want to be the sunshine for my kids all the time.  But life is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  I may be a mother who constantly want the best for my kids but I am also a human being learning all time to be better.  I cannot guarantee I can be sunshine all the time.  Kids will eventually tell apart the sunshine and stormy season.  We also learn to appreciate the good times when you being through the bad times.  Of course Im not saying I must throw temper in front of my kids just to let them learn how to appreciate the good times.  What I am trying to say is I have to be realistic.  It is not ideal for me to pretend to be sunshine all the time in front of my kids just so I do not want them to have a negative impact on their childhood.  Of course I try my best to hide my emotions from my kids by not venting my frustrations on them.  But at the end of the day I still need a ventilation portal.  If I can't rely on friends then this blog is the only mode for me.

I did not dwell on my unhappy childhood all the time.  In fact it was almost forgotten buried somewhere deep inside me as I grew up.  Like I told that someone old and faraway, I only remembered all those unhappy childhood because of recent events.  if I had dwell on those unhappiness all the time, I would be ranting it to everyone I know.  I can only say the incident had hurt so much that all the past memories just came back to me.  So I guess its kinda unfair to be tell off that way.
I am not writing this post to tell anyone off.  What you read on this blog is just a slice from the big pie of my life.  So, do not be so quick to judge me and start offering advices in your kindest intention.  I understand I risk damaging certain friendship if I publish this online.  Just like recent case of someone making some sensitive comments on their FB and got fired from their job.  I wished I were given a chance to tell her what had happened to me but I guess its not gonna happen anymore seeing we are moving off in different direction.

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