Moving on

I am only a simple women. Or to put it curtly I'm naive. I do not crave for riches or a luxury life. Stability and Security: that's all I ask for.

My house, place where it has become a home for the past 5 years is no longer mine. My house is being sold as an agreement on my part out of respect for your decision. Respect because I love you and I try to support your decision even though I do not agree with it.

Moving on in the beginning was brought on for the sake of my parents. Subsequently it became a need for better amenities and nearer distance traveling to JH's childcare. When everyone kept telling us not to confide ourselves to a limited area just because of JH's childcare, you were the one who reassure me of our decision for doing so. That our priority is to minimize as much stressors as possible when moving to a new house. And of course most important is the welfare of JH who has already settle happily and starting to forge his first friendship in the childcare centre.

Now it became a dream and investment for you in future should we need cash after been brain-washed by people around you telling you throw in your profit to go for an EC. Sure you make it sound very attractive and kept telling me the choice is mine. Yet you kept pushing me the idea of an EC. Now you even said to look for an EC in other areas with good amenities and childcare centre. Just transfer JH.

So what happened to the reassurance you gave me?

Where are the priorities you promise me when we are in the midst of searching for new unit?

Where is the importance of the welfare of your child you can so easily chuck aside and say just transfer for the sake of your EC?
When did you place me as an priority making sure I'm comfortable knowing I'm only a simple-minded person and yet kept pushing the idea of an EC to me again and again?

This is your dream. Not mine. Not the kids. You kept saying what you are doing is for our benefit. But have you ever accept what I want?

Suddenly you have become a stranger. I can't catch up with you. Are you moving too fast or am I too slow? You seem to become a stranger who sees all these tangible asset as a measure of your success and happiness.

Where is the "old" you who used to make me feel safe in the heart? The one I can always turn to when the world seems too much to handle.

Can you see what you are doing to me? Can you feel my despair over the lost of my home and the stress and fear of where my home will be?

Can you see that you are scaring me with that "new" you?

You can't seem to understand why I am so unhappy. I don't understand why have you become so ambitious. We can't seem to connect to one another anymore. I can't feel the warm of your touch or the gentle caress anymore.

If I could turn back the time, I truly wish I didn't agree to sell this house.


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Poisonous words

Poisonous words or poisonous talk in my definition are words that are deliberately said not to target behavior of a child but attacking his emotional well-being.  Words like: "You are stupid".. "You are so slow".. "爱哭鬼 (aka cry baby)" and many other vicious words said to a child that I would not elaborate.

Theis was how I was brought up in my family.  I was brought up listening to all sorts of negative remarks made by my own mother whenever I tag miserably behind in my academic studies.  If my mother was dead worried  for my future because of my poor academic results,  she sure didn't express her concern for me in the form of patience and love.  As a child, all I know was she was really angry with my poor effort to pick up mathematics skills and not being able to ace through my studies like my elder sister.  I will never forget the sessions of smacking me with the cane and using of her knuckle to hit me on my head each time I am unable to get it right.  I fondly remember my father talking to my mother for caning me badly because I fared badly for spelling.  Neither did I forget her telling me that I'm so stupid I might as well die.. resulting in me swallowing two panadol in an lousy attempt to die when I was in primary school oblivious to the fact that it's not fatal!   I told no one about this until now on this blog.  Sure I can laugh it off now.  But now that I look back, I see it as a desperate attempt of a child who is hurt and upset with the words thrown at her and believing that she is better off dying.  

My own mother even confided to me that she had wanted to go for an abortion when she was pregnant with me when I was in my primary school.  But she changed her mind when she saw a patient before her came out of the surgery room walking unsteadily with wobbly legs.  I guess I had to thank that stranger who "saved" my life.  I was too stunned to talk or even afraid to ask why didn't she wanted me.  afraid of hearing the answer.  I bet she has forgotten she ever told me this.  I bet she didn't know I remember this till now.  I

If my mother is anxious and worry for me,  she showed it through her harsh approach with poisonous talk.  No. I do not blame my mother for saying those nasty hurting poisonous talk to me when I was young.  You can't choose your parent and afterall she did take care of me well and good till I become an adult..  Well only thing I became an adult with low-self esteem, feels stupid and forever feels that I was an unwanted child.

Since I can't change my childhood.  I make sure my children don't suffer the same fate as me.  Now that I become a mother, I find that I have to fiercely protect them from any poisonous talk especially from the ones made by my mother.  As a mother, I have the right to decide how I want my children to be brought up.  Even if it means I have to quarrel with my mother and kneel down on the floor and begged her to leave the house to stop her from screaming and shouting all sorts of poisonous words at me in the presence of my children.  Yes that was what had happened few days ago.  What triggered off that event was when I told her to stop scolding bb JX (who was crying at that time) 爱哭鬼.  Previously I had tolerated her and kept quiet whenever I hear her poison talk to my children.  She would scold JH when he was crying non-stop after she created an apportunity for him to throw tantrum (taking his shoe out from the shoe cabinet in the evening knowing JH would think its time to go out and play and he throws a tantrum when realise its not).  She blamed his crying on that fact that he loves to cry and even viciously said "你爱哭，婆婆不喜欢你!" (You love to cry so much po po don't like you!).  More ugly and hurtful words came out of her mouth that day.  Better not to elaborate and forget as much as possible if I can.  All I can say is if I can turn back to the time and react again on that eventful day... I would still react the same way as I did and still have no regret.

Perhaps I should thank her for her method of upbringing.  Again I must emphasize I did not say she is not a good mother.   We just have different method of upbringing children.  To my mother, using her kinda old-fashion harsh talking and threatening them emotionally is her way of making them obedient.  To me,  I am against using this kinda harsh talking and emotional blackmail for I feel it will affect them emotionally leaving them insecure and telling them that they are not being loved.  It like what I tell my sister: my mother and I just have different way of upbringing our children.  Just like a dish of vegetables: you can either steam it or stir fry them and eat it but you can't say the latter is better than the former or vise verse..  both method produce edible dishes.

So please try to understand there I am coming from and do not judge me.  I wish this can be translate into chinese so you can know how I feel my childhood was and why I do not fancy your upbringing method.  For now,  please learn to let me go and be independent.  I may not cook as well as and produce excellent nutritional meals for JH.  But I am doing my best and at least its fresh meat and vegetables he gets every meal that I cook.  I may be struggling to fetch JH back from childcare everyday alone.  I am also struggling alone at home on weekday handling bb JX and JH in the evening time.  But I have done it the past two days.  I will do it again for the new weekdays, weeks and months ahead.  I will learn to manage and anything is possible when you put your mind and heart on it.

Weekday single parent

I am married.  I have a husband.  But I feel like a single parent, that is from Monday to Friday when the husband is at work.  If anyone says SAHM don't suffer from Monday blues,  let me assure you, they do too.. the feeling of having to deal with the kids alone again after a weekend is enough to make me feel blue.

 

Being a SAHM now means I stay at home all day with bb JX as the husband goes out to work whole day long.  By the time the husband comes back, day already gave way to night and he has to rush through his dinner and try to help me settle JH or JX for their bedtime routine.  When one of them, usually JH is asleep then he will start doing the household chores like washing the dishes or putting the toys back in place so there's still space to walk in the living room without someone tripping over on a toy with every two steps they take.  This is just a on good day.

On really really lousy bad days like nowadays.. He has to work OT till about 9+.  It always leave me feeling frustrated having to deal with JH and JX alone.  External help is limited but at least mum travels from her house from far far away to help me fetch JH from childcare in the evening and stay at my home till 8pm.  These precious 3 hours is for me to bathe for JH and settle his dinner and my own while mum helps to handle JX if he's not sleeping.  

Nowadays 8o'clock at night is when my nightmare starts if the husband is not at home by then.  I will ask mum to go back even I know I will have difficulty handling the kids.  She did offer to stay longer but I declined... that is another story for another time..

Alone, I have to carry JX and JH follows me into the room to get ready for his bedtime routine.  If I'm lucky, I can shut JX up with his cries by latching him on be it for hunger or for comfort doesn't matter.  Anything to keep JX quiet so I can continue singing the usual lullaby to JH for him to fall asleep.  Since yesterday, suddenly my bb JX has decided that he's independent enough to fall asleep without comfort nursing (something he does during the 1st month!!) refuse to latch on and just kept crying!  I struggled to swing and pat him as I continue to sing lullaby for JH (actually lullaby also for JX too lah). 

I felt bad I have to bring JX in to coax JH to sleep.  I always enjoy bedtime with JH.  I was the one who painfully weaned him off the sarong.  I was the one who painfully coax him to learn to sleep in his cot at night.  I was also the one who painfully coax him into this bedtime routine.  JH enjoyed his bedtime routine with me as much as I do.  I see it as a special time to bond with him before he fells asleep.  I hope he doesn't feel robbed away of that privilege.  He stares at me solemnly now as if wondering why am I not patting him on his thigh but on "di di"?  Why is "di di" with us during my bedtime?  I hope he understands when I tell him I still love him as much as before and I love him like I love "di di". 

I do feel extremely helpless at moments like this.  But when the odds are against you, you suddenly become strong and brave and learn to cope with whatever shit that comes your way.  I do feel angry with the husband's job.  I do feel angry with the limited support I can get from my mum.  Most importantly,  a lot of frustration went to the husband.  I struggled to understand the commitment from his work and the deadline.  But it is not something I can accept in the long run.  Just this once I will try to be understanding.  I know you are trying your best to be there for me.  We are both trying our best.

By the time the husband is back, the storm is over.  A toddler and an infant nicely tucked in bed asleep.  So please do not ever take for granted or assume that its an easy task of coaxing both to sleep alone.  But I have no choice for I am a single parent when you are not around.

Today the husband not only have to work OT but also have to spent the night in his office.  

God help me through tonight.  May JH sleep peacefully throughout the night and only awake to ask for his milk at 6am (later timing is the best!) and not waking JX up.  May JX sleep soundly too and not make too much noise when he wants to driink his milk.

For tonight, I am again a single parent.

Confession of a bad mummy

It is JX's usual fussy timing around 9 and I am trying my best to coax him to sleep alone as usual. With my arms aching from holding him and swaying him for hours.. It is extremely difficult to keep my frustration down each time JX howl a new cycle of wailing. What feels like an eternity of listening to his continuous intense crying in fact is only a mere 5 mins. I felt so frustrated that I couldn't even hum a lullaby or say soothing words to comfort him.. I just kept quiet bite my lips to keep myself from screaming at him.

I still didn't manage to control myself and shouted at JX again and that was two nights ago. I always felt lousy and guilty after that. Especially when I see his face screw up in sadness and continue crying even louder. JX must be feeling confuse. Why would someone who is suppose to be giving him the comfort he needs is shouting so loudly at him.

Forgive mummy JX. It's very tiring for mummy to take care of you from morning till night, 24/7. Mummy's patience tend to wear thin as the day goes by. Mummy loves you alot but doesn't know how to express to you just like you are unable to tell mummy what you want or how are you feeling.

I always applause myself whenever I survive through a day without screaming at him. I can only be thankful that his brain cells are not fully developed to retain those awful moments of me yelling at him. Of course I am not excusing myself for shouting at him. I know it's wrong just like its a big no no to harm your own child. Thank God the latter has never come across my mind. Perhaps I sound like a mother on the verge of breakdown. But I am trying my best. Everyday. To take care of JH and JX. I have to handle JX all the time and the only free time not to handle him are when I need to go toilet/bath/handle JH/eat.

The typical job allows you to knock off to go back to your personal life. Being a mummy doesn't gives you that privilege. So no matter how many hours you manage to nap during the daytime doesn't mean you will feel all fresh and energetic at night to handle his fussiness alone. Being alone to handle a fussy baby is most dreadful moment for me. With no one there with you, it feels like fighting a battle alone.

If you are reading this, then I am glad you remember I told you I started my blog.

老公 I am not perfect wander women. Please try to understand the mental exhaustion of having to look after a baby all day long. Please do not forget I am also your wife, a little women in need of your love and embrace. I think you have forgotten all that and only see me as a mother to the kids nowadays.

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How to keep a toddler entertain

This is what happens when you give a sheet full of stickers to a toddler and left him unattended...


He starts to paste some on his leg


And to my horror and amusement..


On the front gate..


On the glass cabinet..


And also on his neck..


And this was what's left of the stickers.. But at least u have a happy toddler!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Learing to be mum all over again

Its been 6 weeks since I delivered my second child - JX.  I feel a strong gush of love spreading through my body as I glazed into my newborn bb JX asleep in my arms.  I cuddle and hold him close as I tell him gently I will love him forever and give him the best I can.  I breastfeed him day and night which brings me endless joy as I watch him suckle on my breast to sleep... humming along a lullaby..

Envious of me right now?  Too bad all those are just sentences that I dream and wish I feel this way right now.. In Reality...

I am struggling like an octopus as I have to handle boy boy JH and JX.  I am breastfeeding JX round the clock like a cow and its driving me crazy..  I can't wait to put baby on the bed the moment he falls asleep on my arm so I can catch some sleep myself or do other stuffs.. I struggle to control my frustration of being alone at home when I have to deal with JX's crying..  Lucky thing JH is in childcare during the day or I will definitely go mad and start pulling my hair.

Learning to be mum again to a newborn is no easy task.  YES its very true different baby has different personality and it doesn't mean you will know what to do when its your second child.  Maybe I sound like I don't love my baby..  But I guess Im still struggling with alot of other things and bb JX and I are still at the getting to know one another stage so its kinda hard for me to enjoy him as much as I wish..

Im learning to breastfeeding again and trying to know his feeding pattern and preference.  JX's hobby is on and off snacking of my breast and sucking for comfort.. and sometimes its driving me crazy!  Had nightmare of having both sore and bleeding nipples within a week and having mastitis (Im sure its a nightmare of every breastfeeding mothers out there!) within a month!  Thoughts of giving up breastfeeding is on my mind whenever Im clueless about his feeding pattern and having those pain.  Its a miracle Im still persevering to breastfeed JX!!  

One school of thought mentioned that you shouldn't let baby suckle on your breast for comfort.  Must train baby to take one full feed.  Be firm and tell baby not to fall asleep when nursing him and must tell him to finish a full feed then go sleep.

Another school of thought claim that it is alright for baby to comfort suck as it will help calm them down and establish a bond between mother and child which is crucial during the early stage of their life.  Snacking habit can also help to establish milk supply of mummy.  You can go this website kellymom.com if you are interested to read more...

So who should I follow?  Perhaps I should just go with my instinct and play by ear afterall I am the mother of my baby and I know him best with him sticking to my breast day and night.

Would like to hear from other breastfeeding mothers out there on how they cope and share your stories with me so I know Im not alone...

Hopefully I can have time like now every once in a while to update this blog..